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Screw my neighbour







Screw my neighbour

Screw my neighbour 07/08/2004 04:09 AM

Grimace and
Chuckles

« Grotesques on the Pohjola buidling on Aleksanderinkatu. I call them Grimace and Chuckles though I'm sure they have proper names. People like to mess with them and you'll often see cigarette butts stuck in their mouths or, as in the photo, adorned with ice cream and gum. »

One of the most incredibly frustrating things about trying to learn Finnish, aside from the folks who refuse to understand my Finnish and then gleefully exclaim how they can now practise their English on me, are the "Kysy naapurilta!" excercises in the classes. Ask my neighbour?! Ask my neighbour precisely what, motherfucker?! My neighbour could be anything from a clueless Brit whose pronunciation pains even me or some Karelian dude who is just slumming for easy credit and grammar. "Mikδ on Helsingin paras disco?" the handout in class instructs my neighbour to ask me. Well, fuck, how in the hell am I supposed to know that? I haven't been to a disco since 1979!

It's like the blind leading the blind when we ask each other the questions and then try to answer them in any reasonably close to correct fashion. The people who are advanced stick together in the front of the class and the slackers tend to hang in the back, hoping not to be noticed. Even among those who struggle there are castes since noone wants to get stuck with someone who knows less than you do and so when the "Kysy naapurilta!" directive comes, and it will each and every day, the classroom turns into a country square dance hall before beer has been served to help make everyone look attractive enough to dance with. I usually just want to hide in the corner at that point and hope that noone notices me. In fact, of the few times I skipped class over the past year, each and every time it was the horrific thought of having to converse with my neighbour that drove me away. I'd almost rather go to the dentist or maybe get my skull trepanned since, clearly, I need another hole in my head.

There is a Finnish conversation class that is supposed to be on the schedule for the Fall term, but if it's just going to be a bunch of students and only one teacher/native speaker, fuck that as I can practise bad Finnish for free with my expat friends. I have met Finns whose English sucks, really sucks, and I've managed to patiently let them try since they're so enthusiastic and I somehow always get to be the English target practise, but in spite of the fact that I love my native tongue, why is it so hard to find Finns who are willing to suffer our bumbling attempts to speak the language without fear that we're going to look like idiots and answer our questions of verity without a blank stare?




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